his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
