Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
