I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
