john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
