somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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