Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
