jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
