The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
