Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
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