Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
