my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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