i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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