Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
