My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize
