I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
