she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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