I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
