just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
