FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
