My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
