Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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