Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
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Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
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did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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