ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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