soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
