Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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