I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Good cause the way I see it, we are down to DAYS left of college so we should have as much naked fun as possible. And Jenga really facilitates that.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Boobs are out for the taking
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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