you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
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