I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
