I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
