i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
50% drunk capacity currently
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're a waste of cheezeits
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize