fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
