the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Randomize
