I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
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