At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
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Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
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At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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