I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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