Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
