Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
