You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
