Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
