you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
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