The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
