My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.