ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
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he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
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I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...