Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
don't judge my taste in strippers
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on