I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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