Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Randomize
