Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Randomize
