I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
