I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
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