Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
