she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
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