Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
