just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I just found a bag of teeth...
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
