I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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