he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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