I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
