and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
