those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
