Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
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