I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
